Nostalgia
By Prabin
‘Oh! Time is so cruel and is an enemy to me. it passes like a jet in a way that it was yesterdays. I cannot stop them. It has already been past to eighteen years.’ The reminiscence of those moments eighteen years ago crystal came back to me as if they were yesterdays. I was reviewing my past when I encountered the brother whom I passionately had an attachment as if he was one of the loveliest fellows in the world . “Hi, dear sis,...... How are you ? It has been a long time since I have seen you. It is really a great fortune to meet you again,’’ said the man, whom I loved as a own brother when he came to my house for the first time since I got married. My face glowed once when I met him again. I yawed and whispered to myself, ‘Oh! Time is! Why doesn’t it stop? Eighteen years!!! It is not a joke.’ I began to go behind with the flashback, the scene of past eighteen years. The days were so cheerful because there was no anxiety at all. It was the time when I was twenty-two and everything was so fine. I cannot rewind and go back to those youthful days and I know they will never return. Recalling those moments has always been a thrilling experience to me. I again lavishly eager to enter the world of those everlasting nostalgic days. The fellow whom I trusted most and had a deep friendship with eighteen years back is now in front of me. Now at present! The same man has changed a lot. The change in his face is clearly visible by a black thick moustache. How enduring and energetic he was then. Now he has a big belly and wrinkled lines nearby his eyes. But his voice? The voice still vibrates, as it did that time.
‘’Let’s go upstairs,’’ I told my brother. He was with his wife on this trip. He introduced her to me. She said with a little shy in her face. “hi.’’ However she demonstrated a due respect to me. As soon as we were upstair in the living room, I proposed a warm cup of tea for each of us to ease to talk. I went to the kitchen to prepare tea. Meanwhile, I was boiling water for tea, I again recalled the world of past eighteen years. In fact, I should say, he was not my brother by blood relation, however I still feel he is my real brother. Eighteen years ago, he would bring Suman’s letters. At the time, I fell in love with Suman. When he would hand me Suman’s letter he would be always in a hurry to depart from me. I was not an easy lady to let him go so easily without a cup of warm tea. I remember my pretence to be disappointed. Because of strong urge, he would sit on the armchair and would noisily sip tea. After having tea, he would say,’ I must go now’ and would not wait a minute. After his departure, I would start to read Suman’s letters impatiently and would keep the letter to my breast as if the letter was extremely everything for me in my life. Sometimes, I would keep a letter inside the page of a book and would read them secretly hiding from the parents. It would always scare my mom if she came to know about it. Oh! The tea is boiled up and spilled out of the kettle lid! I came back to present from that nostalgic world and took the teacups downstairs. We started to talk about all those past moments and all about the present.
“What does Suman do these days?’’ I inquired to my brother if he knows a man whom once I desperately loved eighteen years ago. Brother replied in a sober way, “let’s not talk about him, he is too busy nowadays. He has a wide range of business to attend. He owns a very expensive private car to visit his business firms. We hardly meet each other; whenever he comes across me, he never spares time. He just asks to keep a formality how I am?. He doesn’t have time to talk about unproductive stuff as we have non productive plenty of hours. If you personally ask me about myself, I am an official person; that’s why we have sufficient time to talk. I never dared to start a business. I have to manage everything within the salary we draw at the end of the month; every time we are short of money. Buying a private car is a dream for us that will never be fulfilled in our lives. Rather we are just able to keep our children well grown,’’ said my brother as if rather wants to stop talking about Suman. As he was talking about himself he experienced his life was full of struggles and that was his destiny. I also state my plights, “ you know, my husband doesn’t support me financially; he doesn’t support anything of the household dealing. Probably you know I have three children. I need to pay school fees and all others expenses for them. It is really hard job for a woman to cover all the expenses, however I am still able to do that.’’ The brother looked a bit sad of my situation. There was a small pause. While in the pause the brothers wife was looking here and there as if she wanted to go to toilet. I knew what she was looking for therefore I pointed to the direction. She got up and went to there. Suddenly he raised a typical inquiry, “Why did you get married so soon with another man when you were deeply in the love with Suman? And , I knew how much he loved you also. He wasn’t likely to marry another lady. As far as I had information that he had a commitment to marry you. It badly surprised me to learn of your marriage lately with another man.’’ The question he raised hurt me from the deep so desperately that I was for a while speechless. The plights of my life were hard to share with somebody. How could I tell him that the time was a great test for me and I had gone through indescribable predicaments? My past eighteen years’ flashback reeled as if that was being screened. Probably the brother’s wife was for long toilet. I started to open the past records both were blissful and harsh.
The brother’s wife came out from the toilet. She seemed to be not so much interested to take part in our conversation. She took the tea cup and finished quickly. She told us that she would spend a little time in the shopping. My brother nodded his head if he had no problem with her proposal. She exited after regards of farewell break. There was a small pause and the pause was so strong that we could hear the sounds of vehicles plying on the road beside our house.
I laid off my story. “It was an event of one day; Suman proposed me a date with a new address. It was Binod’s house. When I reached there, Suman was waiting for me. He introduced Binod as a friend and me as a classmate to him. After that event, Binod laid of a noble plead to me to visit him whenever I on the way home or work through the road where he resided. His sincere and friendly request was so persuasive that I happily accepted it. I knew I had to go several times on that road while going to the market and movie hall. Occasionally I would go to his house. At his home, he himself would prepare tea for me. He would tell me about all he had experienced in his life. I would listen to his experiences patiently because his matured talks were very impressive. In the course of time, my frequent visits to his house brought us into a more friendly relationship. However, I didn’t know that he had fallen in love with me. Later, I could feel it through his words and bodily expressions. Unfortunately I never dared to tell him the reality that I was already in love with Suman. My visit to Binod was only for friendship. One day I was at home doing some household chores; he came to my house with some of his relatives. At the time mom was also at home. They all seemed to be strangers for me. Mum asked me to prepare to tea for the guests who were accompanying Binod. I went to the kitchen. When I came back with teapots and glasses, they were talking about my wedding with Binod. I felt disgusted when I heard all those stuffs. I stood spellbound and remained speechless by as if my tongue was taken away and my mouth was shut. It was an impossible moment for me to disclose the reality. My mum was not also aware of my situation that I was fallen in love with Binod rather I had already fell in love with Suman. At the moment I was standing there speechless and I was mindlessly scraping the floor with my toes. They left the room with an announcement of a week for my decision. |My mum had already been impressed of Binod for mum he was matured, handsome and dedicated man who could keep her daughter happy for whole life. Later, I determined to tell him the fact. I guessed he would probably be waiting for me and my decision... and I went to his home next day. When I entered his room he was alone with a thoughtful look on his face. He seemed confidence as if I agreed his proposal. I saw a ring for marriage and a Rakhi ( gift of bracelet for brother in Indian and Nepalese Hindu culture on brother’s day, a ritual festival) on the table. Oh! It happened just as I presumed it would be. Suddenly he said, “Will you choose one of them and decide right now whether you want to get married or make me your elder brother?” His words were so determinants that I couldn’t escape from them for a while. That was a great test in my life. I realized that my frequent visits to his house turned Binod to make an assumption that I fell in love with him. Brother really trust me I didn’t intend to hurt him at the time. However I was there to tell him the reality. Perhaps I was a bit confused on whether to choose the marriage ring or the Rakshabhandan bracelet. On the other hand my mum had a great expectation from me. Suddenly Suman’s innocent face haunted me. Eventually I hardly determined to tell him that I was already in love with Suman. I could never think of marrying another fellow. I didn’t tell him about it, rather I choose the bracelet and tied it to his wrist. After I did that, I explained about my love for suman. Really! I couldn’t see his face at the time. I even didn’t know, whether he won or was defeated in the battle of love. I came to my house straight after the event. But Dear brother, look my destiny! I chose the bracelet and built a brother sister relationship with Binod; I wasn’t able to make Suman my husband with that marriage ring either. One day there was a marriage offer from a very rich family. It was the time when my mom had a severe illness and was battling for her life. Again my mom suggested that I should accept the marriage offer or she would never get eternal peace when she died. She wanted me to get married and celebrate it with all my relatives before she is dead. I knew that Suman was not in a position to get married immediately because he had two bachelor elder brothers. And he didn’t have a good financial position either. I send a message of my hard situation and told him to get marry with me as soon as possible because the offer from the rich family was unavoidable. Suman wanted me to wait for another couple of years or I could run away together with him however he also told me that he was uncertain to be able to keep me happy among his weak financial situations. I was unconvinced of his latter proposal. When my mom was on her deathbed, I determined to get married with the person from the rich family to be a good daughter to her mum. I got married to a new stranger whom I never met before and never knew how was he. A few days later of my wedding my mum died. All of them happened among twilight situations. It was my destiny that I could do nothing. I now knew it was circumstances that determine your destiny. And further, the upper class family and wealth do not matter in life and love. Time is really a strongest thing that best judge the change. Look, we are almost on the street. Your brother-in –law(my husband) lost a lot of property in gambling. After several years of bitter experience without way out, he is helping in my business that I started last year.’’ I explained all of my truth to my brother and I have had a long breath. When I end up my tragic story, my brother was gazing on my face as if he was a statue. ‘Oh! He forgot to drink his tea, and it was cold’. I again went to the kitchen to prepare another cup of fresh tea. I could hear the foot steps outside. Perhaps my brother’s wife had already come back from her shopping.
